Valentine's Day
Anti-Valentine's Gift Ideas For Couples Who Find It Ridiculous
Plenty of couples have a standing agreement not to do Valentine's Day, which works perfectly until one of them does something anyway. The safe move is a gift that visibly mocks the occasion while still being unmistakably about the two of you — participation and refusal at the same time.
Mock the format, not the person
The joke should be aimed at the industry, the set menus and the printed verse — never at the relationship.
Hide the sincerity in the small print
For couples like this, affection works best when it can be pretended not to be there.
What makes it personal
Bureaucratic language carrying tender content is the entire mechanism here.
What we would make
Government-Issued Relationship Report Card — $4.99
An absurdly official two-page assessment of their merits, infractions and continued eligibility — affectionate, specific and very formally typeset.
- An official annual relationship assessment issued 'in lieu of seasonal sentiment'.
- A card formally declining to celebrate, with one sincere line at the bottom.
- A coupon booklet valid on all days except 14 February.
Also worth considering: Digital Emergency Card & Envelope, Relationship Coupon Booklet.
How it works
- Answer a short set of questions about the person — habits, history, the running jokes.
- We write the gift from your answers and show you the finished thing.
- Pay $4.99 once, then download the clean file or send the private link.
Questions
- Can the tone stay completely dry?
- Yes, it follows your answers.
- Is this suitable for a new couple?
- It suits couples who already tease each other; newer pairs may prefer something warmer.
- Can I print it?
- Yes.
Ready when you are
About four minutes from here to a finished gift. You see the whole thing before you pay.
MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP REPORT